Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
