Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
