i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
