why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
