just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
