My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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