Me. At least after what I've been through.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
