I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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