I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
pop tarts are not kleenex
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
