I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
