he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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