watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
