Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
