I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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