Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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