if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
