Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
