I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
