they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
