I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
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Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
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DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
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