Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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