you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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