i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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