You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
