Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
