dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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