Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
