Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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