Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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