So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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