How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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