new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Even my vagina gasped.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
