i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
