I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
