One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I yelled at your uterus for you.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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