Pregnant stripper...not hot.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
