So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
