I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
