Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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