So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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