apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Randomize
