sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
