I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
