I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
