bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
