I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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