Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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