im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
