My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize