Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I need moral support for this bender
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
