I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
