dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
