i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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