so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
