i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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