i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize