someone get that fucking seahorse.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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