We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
